Exist.Or Live?

2010-06-13T22:32:00.001+08:00

http://throwbackprog.livejournal.com

2010-02-12T01:15:00.000+08:00

i've finally moved on. i think today was that final push.

packed away all the correspondences, photos, letters, and entire edifice of broken promises, lies, and spite. i guess on both sides. so, i feel pretty light now. clean conscience. which is more than i could have said in a long time.

i guess too much of a good thing turns bad eventually.

speed metal symphony

2010-01-11T01:25:00.001+08:00

so i'm back to blogging because i am so horribly bored. has been a whirlwind of weeks and days since my last post - so many things have happened!

so instead of trying to encapsulate the whirlwind, i'm just gonna ramble on for a bit.

first thing that struck me was this post by brian khoo (sji'209'2005) that jpk showed me, and i think in essence it sums up what every sji boy who passes through her hallowed halls say. you can never quite match the experience in sji. and i'm thankful to brian for posting that, because it articulates what many of us mean to say but could never quite pick the correct words to express it (:

second thing was my results. i would never in my wildest dreams have guessed that i would have gotten what i did. i did one of those usual set-ridiculously-high-goals-and-expect-to-be-disappointed-but-work-hard-nonetheless thingies, and it turned out surprisingly well. though i think i have so many people to be grateful for how things turned out, for guiding me through it, roughing it out with me, or just pigging out with me. some part of me died with the social life that withered away somewhat, but i think another part of me was reawakened when i saw the friends whom I meant something to, and those that mean something to me. so it wasn't just all about the score and the knowledge. though many people have told me i can pretty much go to any university i want to now, i beg to differ.

these past few days i think i started to get complacent. imagine that happening while being totally bored, jobless, and yeah friggin bored. so i have resolved (no it's not a new year's one so it's not doomed to fail) to get a job/internship when i'm back from the awesome backpacking trip that has materialised. hopefully get my life moving again. i'm not saying staying at home, doing whatever i want, and going out whenever i want hasn't been liberating, but i guess i've been used to driving myself towards a goal all the time.

on another note, rachel and i have broken up, but we remain best of friends and thank God we remain so. the past one and a half years have been great, and packed with so many memories, but i guess it was time to move on. foomz if you're reading this, thank you for all the good times (:

so going forward from here, i've set myself quite a few goals. they range from the superficial to the introspective.

1) do thirty pull-ups in a go
2) do a flag-pole
3) run a sub-10 minute 2.4km
4) do 6km with 5kg weights
5) get guitar lessons with hwa
6) start attending capoiera lessons
7) do well in scdf
8) apply for scholarships
9) finish the small novella i'm working on.
10) be more calm, i seriously need it. (what timothy ferriss calls flow)
11) and finally, be of more service.

i got a very interesting email on results day from a totally unexpected source that reminded me to think of the last, the lost, the least. i love how josephian ideals always sneak up on you like that and give you a knock on your head just when you need it (:

anyway, night world. gymming with jon chen that crazy ass tomorrow!

2009-10-22T23:05:00.002+08:00

think it's like running.
you break it up into small parts; you tell yourself you're gonna run just that 400m more. and then when you reach it, you give yourself another small piece within a set time. and bit by bit, piece by piece, you chip away at that entire edifice of fear and worry.

2009-10-19T01:53:00.002+08:00

Tried out a new workout regimen today, that left me totally soaked and aching after just half an hour.

Hopefully , it means that as I marshall my body into achieving the specific movements i want, i'm also marshalling my mind- discipline, in short.

will only say what it is if any good comes out of it. if not you guys would think i'm just doing one of my crazy things again. not that i care, but i should spare you right? ;)

REVITALIZATION!

2009-10-17T23:34:00.006+08:00

EDIT: IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO ON A BACKPACKING TRIP AROUND ASIA, SEE BELOW FOR DETAILS AND CONTACT ME! :D

Blog's alive again, because I think everything's back on track, and I have found a renewed meaning in not ranting all the time. What's more, I found out a few people who do care check back on this blog just to see what's going on with me, so take it I'm honouring you guys (: thank you!

good week so far, primarily because school's over. can concentrate without having annoying nonsense popping up like zits.

studying's productive. i don't force myself to study when i don't feel like it. sleep, play guitar, or go out, then back to studying when i'm done. i think it's enough momentum to improve my grades, and not too much that i burn out.

backpacking trip's shaping up! met up with belmond and julian today, unfortunately hansel couldn't come. if all goes well, we'll be leaving first week of january, taking a budget flight to krabi. we'll be there a few days doing some climbing, kayaking, snorkelling, trekking, etc, before taking a train/bus to bangkok. probably stay there a day, and then take another budget flight to hanoi. we'd probably be in transit there a day, then head down to ha long bay for some sight-seeing. from hanoi we'll head to kunming in china by train, for some service at an orphanage run by a Sister my mom and i have known for quite a long time now; sister maggie. haven't seen the good lady in ages. eh, after that we should be heading down to hongkong, and everything after that seems variable. either we make our way back to hanoi for the budget flight back, or we complete a circle around the south china sea.

THE FRIGGIN SOUTH CHINA SEA BABY. haha anyway, that entails going back to the Chinese mainland, taking a train down to fuzhou, and then taking a ferry to taiwan. after spending a few days mucking around, we'll take a flight to the phillippines. after more mucking around (hopefully we get to go to boracay - AWESOME!), we'll take a ferry down to indonesia, muck around a bit more, then take a boat trip back home to singapore. (: sounds cool eh? hopefully it happens! just need to settle the budget (ie. loans/allowances from parents) to work out our travel plans and allowed expenditure per day, and then to get insurance, and safety/security plans worked out. we're looking at a minimum of two weeks, and preferably four weeks. more time, more places!

other then that, it's more and more studying. Though I have to say I stumbled across bruce lee's training videos, movies, and only tv interview he gave, and all i ahve to say is that the guy earned his legendary status man. he's got charisma, and has some pretty deep spiritual insights of his own. seems ironic all the best fighters seem to be more spiritual than most (except david carradine, who seemed to have died from autoerotic asphyxiationo, eurgh).

caught up with quite a few old friends too. met james who's been back from shanghai for quite a while, just that i didn't realise. haha was good seeing my best buddy from primary school. also met up with the psfs, julian, belmond, colin, dongseok and it's such a bloody relief meeting the old sji guys again. it's either the same old, or the same people with far more refreshing insights than i have. the best part is i felt that just sitting around, talking cock, talking about life, sharing and stuff, without spite, without any superficiality or materialism, just sort of grounded me again. reminded me of what i really love abt sji. i think i came to sjii hoping to make those same strong bonds with many people, but i can't fault people for coming from such diverse backgrounds, and lifestyles/philosophies right? but least to say it was that breath of, ironically, fresh air from the past that i think has primed me for the next two weeks. haha the batch of 2007 really deserves the nickname titans!

still, was a pity i didn't get to meet up with brj, and hansel!

anyway, getting late now. feels good blogging about good stuff again after sucha long time!

hopefully ib exams go well. (:

This is to you, you know who you are.

2009-06-13T03:10:00.000+08:00

Firstly, I think you should stop acting like so petty and bitter, and really? Stop spreading your lies.

I tried being civil, and being Christian about this. I tried to turn the other cheek to all the shit you’ve done. Badmouthing me, and trying to poison the people closest to me, talking behind my back, and like a child, getting people to get me away from the group just so you can have your fun without having to see me in a group – what’s the point of all this? And you saying things I would never ever have imagined would come from your mouth. If you’re really the mature, contemplative, introspective person you make yourself out to be, why are you doing all this?

You had a bad attitude, face it. I admit, and mind you, I swallowed my pride to apologise for the harsh words I said. Could you imagine trying to get through to you? Imagine this being said: “My priority is getting myself fit and getting my own academics right.” No problem there, you know what the subtext you didn’t say was? “I don’t care about you, I don’t care about the team, and my priorities come first.” All this happened within the context of training with the team. The clash of priorities was there, and I admit I was wrong to fault you, because your own personal priorities are just as important. But you take it one step too far, and keep insisting that your own priorities are the only one to consider.

I didn’t tell my side of the story to people, and maybe that’s my fault. That way you could take advantage of the situation. And to paraphrase someone, it made your side of the story look like the only side there was to the story.

I didn’t tell my side of the story, and I didn’t consult other people (except two, which thank God, supported me through all this), so that people won’t have to take sides, so that this whole thing won’t escalate. The most horrible thing you can do is to make people take sides by feeding all the negative aspects about a person to them.

You laid down all the worse judgements you had about me, while I kept quiet.
Just because, I like to say “Hey, I cooked again!” with a wide smile - you think it’s easy? You think it’s easy having to cope at home with a senile grandpa, and a sick grandma? You think its easy trying to do my best for council, rock climbing, and try to juggle my studies? You think it’s easy that on top of all of that people still expect you to show a smile in school, if not you’ll be labelled indifferent, arrogant, grouchy, and ‘not-the-same-person-he-was-anymore’ You think it’s easy letting people think everything is okay?

So never mind that you weren’t exactly there for me when I needed you there as a friend. Never mind that you were off having your fun and doing whatever you wanted to do. I thought if I kept quiet, and let people think I was the one with all the blame to shoulder, then maybe you’d come back to your senses. You didn’t.
After one attempt to clear things up with you, one conversation where I thought everything was trashed out already, you still continue to insist on letting it fester.

What gives? Seriously, what gives?

2009-05-10T00:44:00.003+08:00

empathy is dead.

i'd like to see the day when layers are peeled, people are understood, and emotions more than just angry, sad, happy, and pissed are felt during the course of the day.

i'd like to see the day people see beyond the filmscape reality right before their eyes, using laughter to postpone questions, questions that might just unnerve, unseat, and totally displace you, because such questions are far too important to be left alone, to be considered when old age is grabbing at your ankles, and waiting for you to slide down to no man's land; every man's end.

no, far too many judgements are made. just like a tree falling in some far off land, there are emotions brewing in people, and layers of them we do not even see or feel. but we know they exist. can you imagine the amount that goes unsaid, unnoticed, and unaccounted for?

empathy is dead,
go beyond the commonplace laughs, and transient comments, and take a step into another person's reality. risk it, even lose it - that's what friendship is.

who?

2009-05-06T00:22:00.004+08:00

who am i to the person who hardly sees me, hardly interacts with me, but only sees me moving from notion to notion, routine to routine, conversation to conversation?

is the person to judge me?
to evaluate, to validate, to criticise what i do?

who is the person whom i hardly see, hardly interact with, but only see moving from notion to notion, routine to routine, conversation to conversation?

am i to judge him?
to evaluate, to validate, to criticise what he does?

who am i? who are you?
who am i to you? who are you to me?

if we lose precious time, meant for those minutes containing the human touch, voice, sight, to other bothersome, yet absolutely necessary tasks - will we have time to answer the questions?

or will we just lose track?

it takes a second to judge a person.
it takes a lifetime to know someone.

it takes a second to think you know yourself,
but another second for something to destroy that perception.
it takes a lifetime to know, to realise, and actualise, who you are.

but sometimes we never really have the duration of one exact lifetime.
every second is smaller, every minute more minute, every hour more like a half hour, because of the immense amount of things that are tedium; that are absolutely necessary and yet distract us from the people around us. distractions, nothing more, nothing less, than contractions. contractions of precious, precious time.

long road to ruin

2009-04-29T10:37:00.001+08:00

hey now don't make a sound
Say have you heard the news today?
One flag was taken down
To raise another in it's place

A heavy cross you bear
A stubborn heart remains unchanged
No home, no life, no love
No stranger singing in your name

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Dear God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead-end in sight

Let's say we take this town
No king or queen of any state
Get up to shut it down
Open the streets and raise the gates

I know a wall to scale
I know a field without a name
Head on without a care
Before it's way too late

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Oh God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead-end

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead-end in sight

For every piece to fall in place
Forever gone without a trace
Your horizon takes its shape
No turning back, don't turn that page

Come now, I'm leaving here tonight
Come now, let's leave it all behind
Is that the price you pay
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Solo

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead ends

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead ends

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

breath of fresh life!

2009-04-01T19:29:00.002+08:00

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!

man, the past six days (including friday) have been nothing short of exhilirating, cathartic, and extremely restful all at the same time. somehow i'm starting to feel alive again, starting to feel the fulfilment of good conversation and good company, and starting again to feel the verve of everything and everyone around me. it's almost as if a certain part of me had gone into hiding when the torrent of deadlines and perennial work came out like the big bad IB monster.

everything's been all fine. watching movies, going out, climbing - the ideas for poetry, travelling and the stuff like that are all coming back now, and i'm not sure at all if i want a settled lifestyle, with a steady career, degrees to boast, and stuff like that. but i guess it's just one of those transient whiffs of fantasy you get of a life you wish to have but you know would never be practical to live out. reality coomes back into the picture, and what you know you need to do prevails all over again. its a vicious cycle really.

been reading one hundred years of solitude on this very, very boring wednesday. mom's flown to hong kong, where she will be for three years. she's only going to come back once a month. rachel's flown to bangkok for three days. yeah. it's been quite quiet today. maybe it's the rest i need from the two noisiest women in my life. good noise though (:

gonna try and catch up with people this holiday. i've been feeling really disconnected from everyone. hopefully meeting sam and mary tmr. meeting with wolin cong next tuesday, hopefully meeting wong and bra sometime soon.

holiday's been good! (:

reminder to self.

2009-03-16T00:57:00.002+08:00

i better not, in the years to comer, EVER, give up my dignity just to be something i am not.
the temptation to do so might be great, but whatever.

i think this post might offend the sensibilities of some people, but what the hell, this is my blog, and i shall post what i want.

alcohol, booze, and clubbing. what about them?

i admire the people who can carry themselves well, and can charm the socks off both guys and girls alike.

i do not however see any sense in admiration when people give their self-dignity, looking like a desperate bunch of 25 year old wannabes, just to try to get into a bar. i mean, sure the partying inside is great. excellent music, good alcohol, hot and sweaty dancing, yeah, sure. i think i'd rather have the guilt-free pleasure of enjoying it when i am of age.

so maybe it's just the way i am. i prefer nice, warm, cosy, racuous, small gatherings at a familiar place over good food and some drinks. maybe it's my principles and sensibilities, i'm just not attracted to the thought of losing myself in music and spirits. i've gotten high once, never wanted to go through it again.

the losing of all inhibitions, control, and the crash afterwards is something i don't find attractive. sure, some might say it's a way to let loose, and to destress, but i don't buy that.

if you really have to party: make a dignified entrance (not like some despo wannabe clearly looking like a teenager seeking the forbidden fruit (which in itself is another reason why partying is overrated)), socialise, drink your fill (don't get drunk, it's irritating), then get out.

if you are one of those types trying to get a girl, plus points for the guy who knows how to carry himself well, instead of being some ugly clown being high on booze.

okay, back to work.

2009-03-09T01:53:00.001+08:00

THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(result of post-ee insanity)

To the imposter of an Ideal.

2009-03-08T17:41:00.004+08:00

In writing this post, I have layered the text with two meanings: one the obvious, immediate meaning, and two, the subtle meanings implied by choice of words and reference to events.

1. No one should be made to pander to your vagaries, and egotistical whims.

2. You are not exempt from the rules; rules are not meant to be bent and broken by your manipulation of facts.

3. If serving your ego constitutes one of your intentions for service, then there is no real service being done.

4. People are not the emotional equivalents of American banks: they have limited credit. You cannot keep withdrawing from them.

5. You follow the ideals, not worship the promulgator of those values.

In short, your hypocrisy disgusts me.

choices.

2009-02-26T23:56:00.002+08:00

you know you need to let go and maybe let other people steer the course when your personal mantra becomes 'i'm so tired' without you knowing it.

i've had 3 people come up to me today to ask me if i'm okay, because i look zombie-tired.

my mom talked with the teachers today, and thorpe didn't mention anything about being on course to a 7, which is really frustrating. And all the IAs in the world are annoying the shit out of me. i'm really tired.

i've spent 3 hours only to get 2 non-usable results for my IAs. 2 hours trying to figure out whether to use marble or granite, and trying to work out its surface area. only to ditch the experiment. it was a good one - finding the effect of frequency of acid rain (sulphuric acid used in place) on the corrosion of calcium carbonate compounds in building materials.

now i'm doing plain old temperature. and i've got to scrape the calcium sulphate of every single marble chip, and that's only after quang alerted me to the fact after i was raving that i had no mass loss. thanks quang.

argh. i need more time. time to study, time to socialise! yeah...
and i need to tell myself those baser and more negative emotions cannot get the better of me lest they prevent from doing what needs to be done.

i want to get that 42. and my 3 for tok+ee.

update

2009-02-22T11:50:00.004+08:00

as per mary's request!

i now strongly believe that one of the goals of the ibo is to turn us all into insensible zombie intellectuals.

either that or they just want to turn us into inane students going crazy with the eternal internal conflict of procrastination versus work.

so far, i'm seeing a lot more of the latter.

muahahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

matter of opinion.

2009-02-12T15:22:00.002+08:00

at a pedantic level, economics is a matter of opinion.

and as long as i'm a student, my teacher's opinion will prevail over mine, even if I am logically correct.

besides, how the hell do you capture the variedness of consumer behaviour in a bunch of movement of lines?

centenary.

2009-02-11T18:32:00.001+08:00

the key to it all is assiduity.
an assiduity that knows no such thing as tiredness.
unfortunately, there is no such thing.

so there is no key,
and there is no all.

2009-02-08T01:10:00.001+08:00

i am so fucking sick and tired of this self-perpetuating cycle which refuses to break.

kinokuniya.

2009-02-04T22:47:00.002+08:00

dropped by kinokuniya after jap dinner with fooomz today at bugis junction.

was spoilt for choice with one hundred years of solitude, the audacity of hope, white tiger, the black swan, the lightness of being.

I WAS SO TEMPTED TO GET SICKNESS UNTO DEATH BY KIERKEGAARD

but then i reminded myself the last thing i need is a depressing book. i need that uplift to bring me through the next few weeks. packed from monday to saturday. probably use sunday to sleep in, attend church in the evening.

really wanted to read the book man, essential existential angst!

oh well. and please no, i DID NOT go anywhere near any stephanie meyer books. i avoid them like the plague i tell you! and this is not intellectual snobbery, its just pain and anguish. :P

at last.

2009-01-28T17:06:00.003+08:00

i think i have learnt to manage expectations.

what other people expect of me, and what i expect of other people, it all boils down to this - that i fulfil my duty to the people that matter to me and whom i matter to, and that i fulfil whatever responsibilities i have to the greater group. i do not care much for what people think i am doing if they have a misconceptions, or fail to clarify things. assumptions will always be assumptions. as long as i know what i am doing is right, is worth it, i am content. it's not about what people think i should do, it's about what i know i must do. there is this gray line between advice and naysaying/speculation, and really i could not care less anymore about the latter.

i think i have learnt to reconcile the difference between what people should be and what they are. it isn't apathy, it's more of a weary acquiescence.

i had a gist of this when marc told me about it last year, but i guess i understand it now.

2009-01-13T13:06:00.000+08:00

i think i'm struggling again to make small, idle chatter.

sigh.

enough. is enough.

2009-01-08T02:31:00.002+08:00

Monuments will be built in places not seen,
in memory of how you enacted this scene.

keep that flame of optimism till it burns no more,
because the oil of patience has all but run out,
and the darkness that clouds your faith,
is all about.

keep your chin high,
light the flame again.

no, let your hopes dry,
oh yes again they will feign,

once the darkness is gone,

the true darkness lies in the illuminated,
follies in light sated.

don't light the flame,
lest your own flame,
goes out just the same.

wl2

2008-12-30T19:18:00.001+08:00

i peered over my world lit 2 assignment proposal, and at the com for over an hour, winding up getting distracted by stumbleupon among other things, and am now adamant that there is no such thing as procrastination, and am convinced that there is only futility. the futility of wanting to do assignments.

sigh.

The prodigal father of existence.

2008-12-27T03:59:00.005+08:00

As you readers might notice by now (if I have any, I'm afraid I've lost them because I do not tag on my own tagboard; too lazy), this blog, more than anything else, is boring, but it is a search for meaning. No, not those rosy, cliche ones you might find in a quote book, a text for the masses, a religious text, or whatever.

So what is meaning, that ever nebulous concept? I live, but what meaning do I ascribe to it? Am I here because I am a creature of God, to live out his life in service of others, in trying to find God's presence? Or is there no purpose in existence? Am I merely here to function as a cog in the mechanism, prepared, primed, and subjugated to the rigours, taboos, and rules of a society of which I had no choice but to be born into? So maybe, this very frequent argument appears: that we are born into love, and all that matters is that we are loved, and we love. Well, that's what every major source of wisdom tells us doesn't it? But, it doesn't put right any wrong, it provides solace, warmth and comfort.

This can be a very cold world, make no mistake. There are probably more people out there who do not give a damn about your existence, that those who do. People might say it is the latter for whom you live, but what is the ultimate meaning behind that? You have a whole human race, only for a decimal percentage of that, that truly cares whether you live or die, make right or screw up. Where is the meaning in that?

Every day, a man dies, whether by starvation, malnutrition, cancer, suicide, or by old age. And for every man that dies in the loving warmth and care of his family, a man anonymously dies out in the cold; unknown, unloved, and ultimately, alone. Every Christian would know an 'answer' to this: God must have plans for him? What plans? For every man who dies from over-opulence, over-indulgence, over-dosage, and virtually any over- you can possibly imagine, another man dies because he cannot secure a single drop of drinkable, life-sustaining water. There must be a plan for the malnourished man right?

Maybe his plight serves to tell us how lucky we are, those in a comfortable society. Or maybe, just maybe, his entire life served as a way to find happiness, albeit in an inhumane way (check UNHRD). However, we in a culture of excess and comfort, have to find that same happiness, amidst the creature comforts and distractions. An argument might be made that is again the famous case of the materially poor versus the spiritually poor; both have to find happiness under very trying conditions. Who decides whether one is born spiritually poor, or leads a spiritually poor life, and vice versa? No one? Then maybe it just is that way, God just has it that way, then what is the meaning behind that?

An individual might change the course of his life; he might exit a life of wealth and indulgence, to one of near-ascetism. HE wants to find true happiness. People find happiness in so many things, in love, in family, in pursuits, in ideals, in challenges, in achievements, in just being able to see the next day. One might take comfort in the fact that happiness takes form in many myriad ways, that perhaps it is there, in everyone's reach. But the same question still begs to be asked - why must one seek happiness? To push the question further - why must one seek contentment?

Religion probably is one of the major paths for people searching for meaning. Religion is not merely all dogma, and morality, and guidelines. For example, a person who subscribes to the idea that there is a greater being, probably also finds solace in the fact that there is an ultimate meaning, ultimate consequence, for everything that is done and thought in this world. For the person who does not, he just lives life, and if he is morally upright, it could be because he believes in ideals, or maybe just finds it convenient, so people don't end up stoning him.

Again the question remains unanswered.

Why are people born poor and rich, hungry and satisfied, black or white? If there is a God, and there is a meaning to this whole hokey-pokey about the thing we call life, why does he allow it to be destroyed in as many ways as happiness can be achieved?

Why am I born, to go through the notions of society - born, bred, fed, educated - an in the undertones of this life as we live it, we ultimately search for that contentment, or meaning? Meaning and contentment could well mean the same thing.

I go to church to find these answers, to pray, to find God. Often, I end up hearing about God instead during sermons. It used to be so easy to see God in every day things that happened, in the good things people did. I could maybe even guess at God's hand working his ways for events, and entire days to turn out right. Now, just as easily, I point the moments in each day, that have no apparent meaning. The endless platitudes, vicissitudes, attitudes, of which I can find or ascribe no meaning to.

So the question still begs to be asked, what is meaning?
(until I find the correct answer, which could possibly be never, I'll leave it as, meaning is what I ascribe as meaning to the reality around me, but in and of itself, that meaning will only hold truth to me, and possible never even scratch the surface of the meaning that lies under the veneer of everything that exists, or happens.)(as of no I have no idea what meaning I ascribe to reality)

2008-12-25T15:35:00.001+08:00

this has to be the worst christmas ever.

christmas?

2008-12-20T02:09:00.002+08:00

i'm just worried this christmas will seem hollow and bleak, don't really want it to come. christmas is family time right? i guess after all this time of looking like i'm okay with it, i still haven't come to terms with the way mine is spent, and i cannot falsely fill it with gadgets and toys like i did in my childhood, coz just as fast as childhood is hurtling away, i'm finding out just as fast that a few choices i make, have just been distancing me from the friends i care about, and it sucks realising it during christmas; still have to face the reality of decisions and mistakes and what-not, maybe it's better to go with the wind, and welcome any irruption or eruption in life, instead of standing firm like an intransigent emotional bark-skin.

2 cor 5:7

2008-12-17T01:24:00.000+08:00

"we walk by faith, and not by sight."

i think i've found my answer! (:

2008-12-14T19:21:00.002+08:00

My carefully crafted plan to take on the holidays assignments week by week has crumbled, miserably.

I'll start tmr.

But I said that the monday before, and the monday before that.

OH WELL.

and on a side-note, two months of non-running, and a month of no climbing has atrophied my muscles. SIGH. time to get fit again. stanchart next december, have to do it this time.

2008-12-11T00:27:00.002+08:00

people are mostly never who they want you to think they are, they are:
1. something else altogether
2. the cliche backstabbers
3. really more noble and higher than who they portray themselves to be

the way i see it there are two extreme ways to deal with it:

1. believe the worst in people. you don't get disappointed, but you end up somewhat of a misanthrope, and with a nasty disposition. and as a bonus you're surprised when people are genuine. here you only risk a very nice, rainbow-ish, pot of gold paradigm shift to the next attitude.

2. believe in the best of of people. you get disappointed a lot more, but you also end up with a more cheery disposition. no surprises here though, except nasty ones. here you risk losing all faith in the proverbial pot of gold called exuberance as you know it.

personally, i don't know where i fall on that continuum, because where i want myself to be, and where i am in reality do not match, especially when people you meet sometimes seem to insist that you should believe in the worst of people with the things they do, even if you try hard not to. but i guess it takes all kinds of people right?

oh well. foomz brought up the Golden Rule that is found in many religions, phrased the Christian way as: "do unto others, what you want to be done unto you"

only thing they don't mention in the rule is, that it's gonna take a lot of patience because people are NOT going to do unto you as you do unto them all the time, i daresay slightly more than half the time. so oh well, the Rule still makes the world a happier place right? if somewhat.

fuggin ib.

2008-12-10T22:07:00.001+08:00

i would so love a holiday where i don't have deadlines for several assignments ie. extended essay, world lit 2, iop, on top of homework, looming over my head and making me feel guilty everytime i have my bit or r&r or just really sit down and stone which is really so therapeutic because ib forces you to think all the time, even now when i'm supposed to be a log with no brain having my log cake and turkey, and my share of r&r, i find myself thinking, and even going all tok when watching house, and thinking abt ee when i read the papers.

IB IS MAKING ME GO NUTS.

ironic much? even during the holidays. bloody hell

replace title with onomatopoeia of choice that conveys regret

2008-12-09T04:33:00.003+08:00

how can words so pregnant with meaning,
so brimming with purpose,
fail to stand the test when held under scrutiny?

you'd tell yourself to believe the best in those words,
but with a mere pinprick,
there is no more meaning,
no more so than there is a malignant purpose.

so when was the last time a word, that said what was meant
and meant what was said, was uttered?

clouded intentions, hollow words, nothing is as straightforward as it used to be.

WOOOOOOOOOOOT

2008-12-02T01:11:00.007+08:00

since mary has asked me to update! i shall! but in a really short post, coz im tired.

november was a friggin exhausting month:
1. CAS! had to get everything settled, was a frigging frenzy!
2. catching up on work that was done while i was sick for almost a week
3. UNIFORMS!
4. 3 Bio IAs
5. World Lit 1
6. Econs Commentary 2
7. accidentally sliced my forearm when i was cutting open a coconut in a horizontal manner, which resulted in a flap that needed 4 stitches! (and guess what! after slicing off the coconut top, the hollow where all the juice is still wasn't opened yet -.-)
8. computer crashed with a whole year's of school work, just found out everything can be recovered which is a bloody relief.
9. subway
10. lasallian camp
11. volare (i hate bright lights!)(XES WAS AWESOME! ROWLAND YOU ARE MY NEW IDOL BESIDES MATTHEW BELLAMY!)(I. AM. NOT. A. FANBOY.)(THANK YOU MENON AND JOHN! :D)
12. grandpa's in hospital coz the stubborn fella fell while on his daily bicycling routine which he has been nagged at by everyone so many times its not funny. but he's scolding people he doesn't like, and pseudo-flirting with the nurses he likes so he's fine. he even sweet talks rachel when she visits. =P
13. grandma's undergoing treatment
14. trying to catch up with old friends
15. sound of music (i played a "support" role)

and probably a few other things i cant rmb. so yeah, november was damn freaking hectic. anyway the past few days have been very, eh, enlightening!
computer crashed on friday, and my mood was just black for the rest of the day, thankfully foomz and my grandma cheered me up.
being away from the computer over the weekend helped to wean me off the computer, realised how attached and dependent i am on it, i literally just stoned when i found out my computer crashed and my files may not have been recoverable.

and i also realised something abt salt! every meal in my house has been adjusted for my grandma, so there's less salt. so! (pardon me if my conjecture is wrong!)

less salt = less sodium
sodium = necessary for muscular contraction
big guy = more sodium needed

less sodium is NOT EQUAL TO more sodium needed.

so basically ive been cramping up all the time.

when im holding the handrails on the bus.
when ive just gotten up from bed, etc etc

on the bright side, i think i've lost weight from all the lack of sleep, falling sick, skipping meals from a lack of time, and running around school, and places to and fro, though i HAVE to get rid of the slight paunch which probably isn't going away coz i have not been climbing or swimming to avoid infecting my wound.

i've got two hard drives on my laptop now.

ive been getting ENOUGH sleep as of now!

received the Comm Service Award, which frankly should have gone to a group of people, coz many people did many things (eg. john did grade 9 camp, volare, etc. menon did loads with council. savy and nalaka organised so many events.) and there are the people who prefer working in the background, but did important work all the same. so yeah, i guess it was a kinda bittersweet, because of that, and cause of all the sleepless nights and overworked days during the year.

and i got a psp!

so yes. that's my update. substantial for once eh?

night! (:

A dreamer dreams, she never dies

2008-11-19T22:20:00.001+08:00

november is just SO DRAINING.
i seriously cannot wait for the coming pseudo-holiday, even if it only bears a semblance of the real thing.
just so burnt out.

straight.

2008-11-12T21:25:00.002+08:00

i will not retaliate, but i know i am entitled to my own opinions and reflections on my own blog, especially when they are directed at no one in particular.

thoughts.

2008-11-11T17:11:00.002+08:00

sometimes, we don't have to look further than ourselves to find the faults in our society. and chief among them, is inaction.

sometimes, we fault friends for not being the friends they should be, when often, we never ask ourselves if we are the friends we should be.

HULLO, AIR PLEASE?

2008-11-03T23:20:00.002+08:00

i wish i could distill time, and have it flow whenever i want.

because the piling workload just won't keep still.

it begs to be touched, but my brain begs to differ.

it defers to that very familiar state called stoning.

can someone tell me why our last month of school, straight after the exams, is our worst?

FSC

2008-10-27T21:12:00.002+08:00

to josephians old and new:

in a school where the fees are high, it definitely means the students and their families come from wealthier backgrounds. a lot wealthier backgrounds.

the question is then whether lasallian values of solidarity to the poor is relevant. it doesn't simply mean just showing sympathy, it means being charitable, being humble, and just avoiding any ostentation. and the problem is, ostentation is everywhere, so how do you go about telling fellow students that it totally goes against everything being lasallian/josephian means, when they are in a lasallian/josephian school, but fail to grasp what being lasallian/josephian is.

i think it is quite sad that we have to wait till a camp for grade 11s to sort this out, but really how do you show what being lasallian means? i know they say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words get heard, but actions do not get seen. and the camp is just for grade 11s.

there are those in the school community who can say they understand what being josephian/lasallian means, but for the school community at large, it is still otherwise.

thoughts anyone?

so, what is the lewis structure of hydrazoic acid?

2008-10-12T23:14:00.003+08:00

really, sometimes you just gotta love and hate exams.

on one hand, it's a lull period, almost everything comes to a standstill except for the studying. well, almost, i'm still climbing and swimming.

on the other hand, it gets really annoying and frustrating when all the most difficult ever ib questions appear in one paper ie. chemistry, refer to above question. annoying part is when you figure out all the answers to a 10mark question you left out one minute after the exam =/

school's been fine, it seems the trade cycle could almost be superimposed on a cycle of cliques except, if friendliness is on the y-axis, it isn't always on the rise. aye, observe the effects of economic thinking!

most difficult papers are over, i'm feeling more relaxed now. just waiting to get over with the rest of my sl papers, and english hl paper 2; kinda worried about that, still as of yet unsure whether island voices or passage to india will be a safer bet. so it's one of the two, along with all my sons, siddhartha, the outsider. kafka's appealing but i just do not feeling like covering it for the exam, kafka's mind-reelingly unobvious message makes so many interpretations possible, but all of them are just so nightmarish; kafkaesque. sigh.

yeah. on a whole, things are good. i'm content. which, is fantastic.

BUT, i have 124353711938126352 million deadlines for everything from cas journal, to activities, to experiment reports ( 3 frigging bio ones!) grr! and an EE to start on.

sometimes,

2008-10-08T20:31:00.001+08:00

what are we but empty vessels that pay lip service to fill similarly empty vessels?

alchemy.

2008-09-30T00:03:00.003+08:00

everytime i think i'm losing my grip on my reality,
on things i hold in my control,
you're always there to affirm me (you being many splendid things; many gracious souls),
in your many kaleidoscope ways,
you're my pillar of strength.

me being me,
i always want to feel in control of my life,
i always want to bring things left to chance,
to a minimal,
i always want to bring my goals to fruition,
this should be maximised.

sometimes, i lose my head,
i lose my grounding.
you're there as a tether; a grounding to the airy fluff;
that is really sometimes my head.

sometimes, the hollowness of simply goal-chasing creeps in,
chasing phantom pots of gold,
when did gold ever yield that innate satisfaction,
found in the deep deep depths of the present?

then you remind me,
gold isn't so,
goal isn't so.

it is about people,
people,
people.

those might be carriers of that ever-evasive,
ever-nebulous concept
then again,
they too are potential harbingers of things too dire.

risk,
those who don't,
don't.

believe,
those who don't,
don't.

care,
those who don't,
don't.

let go,
those who don't,
don't.

don't, don't, ever, live at all.

those who do - rise, rise, rise
on the triumph of now,
on the concept that prevails,

like an ever nascent seedling,
in the spurts of spring.

if

2008-09-27T00:36:00.000+08:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

remember me?

2008-09-18T21:43:00.002+08:00

imagine if one day, a friend that is now an acquaintance walks up to you and says,

"hi there. i remember you, i'm not sure if you do. i remember the times when clock ticked, and and worries never came. i remember a time, when seats were inviting, and commitment never came to knock, to beckon you away from the seat. i remember when you could just sit and breathe, breathe, breathe.

You would never have to rush off.
today, friend, i just came to say hi.

I remember how our hi-s used to be full of the promise of the day, when you could just sense the simple elation of familiarity. i remember that.

i hope i somewhat brightened your day, friend. nevermind the bleary days, nevermind that people smile less, i hope you do today."

all you do, is stand rooted, at first like a statue, like a withered plant. Then you feel reanimated, reinvigorated. The sun bearing down on you no longer seems so oppressive, so offensive.

the day seems easier to bear, easier to tolerate.

you don't know what to do, and before you can even speak, to let the now amiable air, carry your message. your friend is off.

there is something in that walk that whispers a senselessness, an amorphous motivation, that has somehow everyone less inclined to utter a radiant, kaleidoscope hi.

you had a goal, you don't quite remember it, and you probably think the same for everyone else.

remember me, remember me, remember me.

the chant efficaciously reminds you to remember. it repeats, in mechanical fashion, the realisation of the day.

and before long the efficacious chant fades, and the maiden thought of ages, to remind you of things and persons beyond yourself, disappears from the lucid horizon.

this is what dreams are made of.

2008-09-11T19:32:00.002+08:00

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.

-Thoreau

in the smile of a child.

2008-09-05T12:29:00.002+08:00

i have come to the realisation that life is not about wealth-making or dream-chasing.

it is about making sure you live life every day to the fullest,
not that you live in the present that you forget your future,
not that you live in the present only to think your past has no bearing in it.

no, it is about making sure that every day, you make someone happy,
and that you spread your share of goodwill.

i learnt this from the village kids from watchangkradas school in chiang mai.

they don't have the same material luxuries, same opportunities in life as us, but they are happy all the same.

makes you wonder sometimes, in the midst of all the material comforts and such, has mankind really made himself better off?

too early!

2008-08-27T01:00:00.003+08:00

you know challenge week has come too early when this happens:

things to do:
econs essay discussing welfare measurement methods, rewrite of econs commentary, complete country file of cameroon (also for econs), 1 siddhartha essay, 1 metamorphosis essay, one kafka mini-biography, chemistry exercise on enthalpy, biology debate, worksheets for day 3 of service at chiang mai school to be done.

of which i've only done the econs discussion essay, country file and biology debate, as of 1:03am.

God help me through the night.

(note to self: this is why you don't go and decide to start recovery runs and being tired on a monday, and get so tired, sleep, and ennd up having to do all the homework on tuesday. bugger.)

locks are like human psyches.

2008-08-12T23:29:00.003+08:00

what are unlocked locks like, with the key thrown or stashed away?

insecure.

la mian xiao long bao.

2008-08-12T23:21:00.003+08:00

i think eskor's 'la mian xiao long bao' mantra (in really bad chinese pronounciation) is rubbing off on me.

went to din tai fung today with my mom, and omg, XIAO LONG BAO IS THE SECKS MAN!

wish i had pictures, but i was too busy guzzling down those shiok little thingies, along with beef noodles, and dumplings. i ate over 15 of them i think.

FRIGGIN GOOD! a gastronomically satisfied man is a happy man. (:

especially after rock climbing, practised the techniques kelly thought, including the yoga, haha. been putting on weight so i decided to do some stamina thingy.

i chose an easy wall, and went up it 20 times. freaking tiring, should have also been tiring for foomz i guess, who was really tired. thanks flabz!

yeah, anyway today was day 1 of my resolution to just stay out of all these intrigues and stuff that really should be dealth with better as grade 11s. pretty okay for a first day i guess.

anyway, night!

hear that ethereal sigh.

2008-08-11T14:59:00.002+08:00

okay, my long weekend wasn't very ideal. but yeah i had my rest, didn't do any work at all. doing them today. love it when i can rest like that. anyhow, i spent the weekend doing some soul-searching as well.

i guess i've been buckling somewhat under all the various commitments, work, and responsibilities, which has really given me a not so nice disposition. so i gotta work on that, and like fang qi. i seriously need to chill, been somewhat irritable with everything and everyone. sorry if you've had that brunt of it!

on the other hand, i know what's one major thing that's been irritating me:

drama. there's far too much of it in the grade. too much intrigue, too much backstabbing, too much of the clique vs clique possessiveness going on, too much talk, too much politics. i just want to be able to study, have fun during my activities, and be able to go about school the way it should be. i don't want to hear of another intrigue, another feud, another person upholding righteousness. i just do not want to hear or see of anymore ostentation, anymore displays. i mean sometimes it just gets overboard.

i mean come on, this is not secondary school, this is friggin pre-u, SENIOR school. why all the childishness and what-not? i don't want to pinpoint anything, it's just the general feel i get.

i'll admit i've sometimes been part of it, but i guess, from this week on, i'll have no part in it.

and i'll try to be nicer.

begone.

2008-08-09T23:12:00.003+08:00

ineluctable shadow;
a meretricious package of ostentations,
contradictions,
and derelictions.

ineluctable shadow;
an unlocked lock of dependency,
despondency,
and redundancy.

ineluctable shadow,
hope-piled,
failure bound,
really riled,
and hearing the pound

the pound of worry, worry, worry,
you've failed us all
don't tell us you're sorry, sorry, sorry.

heave.

2008-07-27T10:22:00.001+08:00

my knee,s back to normal, so i'm gonna start running again soon. bet i'll be damn slow. haven't ran for two months.

on the other hand my lungs have been congested, been breathing heavily.

maybe my body is tearing at the seams.

hope not. i need more rest.

AND MORE CLIMBING :D

i can't be what you're not.

2008-07-27T01:17:00.003+08:00

i wonder how grown men near the middle end of their lives, and slowly entering their twilight, think and look back on their lives.

do they notice all that they have not done and achieved, all of life's lost hopes, or do they take in all that has been whole and good, and be happy with it?

or is it simply that some lives never ever reach the peak they were supposed to reach? routines weigh you down, dashed hopes keep you from ever rising above, and i think these men reach a stage where they don't see any renewal, any reinvigoration.

i know you have many expectations of me, i know you think i have a bright future. i think so too. you know my discipline isn't tops, and i know that too.

i also know that what i want to be, and happy being, doesn't match your expectations. i don't dream of big houses, nice cars, and a wildly successful career. i'm not even looking for the conventional sense of success. sure, i might like the money to dress well, to eat well, to buy the things i want. but i know wants will be wants, and wants will never be needs. i can always curb them.

i know it might seem a waste to say that, but i think for who i am, what i've been given. i'm meant for something else. as long as at the end of my life i can say i've done what God has set out for me, i'm content with any positive impact i've made, and i have a wonderful, content family as well; then i am successful.

i don't want to be living in your shadow, to be everything you've not achieved, and have hoped to do. i don't want to feel as if i've been brought up, achieved whatever i have until this point in time, just to be expected to be everything you're not.

i might just get that big house, nice car, wildly successful career, but i know that if i'm going to have one, i'm not going to let achievement, and the journey to it overshadow my contentment with life. i don't want such things to overshadow my relationships with people. i'm sure, and i know maybe even idealistically, that money isn't everything. i don't want at the end of the day, to have achieved much but mean nothing, and not have amde any impact at all. yeah sure, an impact on the business world enthralls me.

no, it doesn't.

i've chartered my own course, and i'll continue to do so. i just hope you can respect that, and that this won't disappoint you.

no i won't have your shadow of what you should have been, cast over me. i know you have been a foundation, unerringly there for me, like solid granite. but that same foundation also connects to this sometimes jagged lone pillar that just looms over me sometimes.

i'll illuminate my own path, and i hope you support me.

as the knife shifts in the shadows.

2008-07-20T21:06:00.003+08:00

wow. past two weeks have been a blur! event after event! stuff, stuff and more stuff to do!
milk run, beurel debate, preparing for the uniform proposal, acjc debate invitationals, among a whole lot of other work to be done.

i'm running out of time to do my iop and econs commentary.

knee's currently giving me trouble, have resorted to glucosamine supplements and i bought this futuro knee guard. yeah, wonder what's wrong with it.

anyway i realised our grade is very very gossipy, no surprise there. and i think it's alright. we all know gossip is fun.

but i think you cross the line when you start to cast aspersions on other people's characters, and that is nothing less than just plain malice.

and yes i have to say someone has cast aspersions on my character in the past week. and normally i would say as long as he has no evidence why bother? but this time it bothers me simply because this person was someone i had thought to be a friend, but still accused me of things i wasn't even guilty of, and without even knowing the complete picture!

now, i guess with the amount of stories out there that go on and on about backstabbing and all that jazz, i really shouldn't be surprised should i?

but i guess what really takes the cake, is that the backstabbing takes place under the guise of righteousness; really warped sense of righteousness.

so for all you supposedly righteous people out there, start getting your own principles right, and your own life in order, before you try to force your meddling hands into the personal lives of others, especially mine.

and even when you do get your own principles right, righteousness should never interfere with what most other people would call privacy.

bugger off. and take it that i'm still trying to be nice about this by not using any expletives.

beurel debate challenge.

2008-07-13T21:20:00.002+08:00

so sjii went up against cat high in the semi finals of the beurel debate challenge.
seeing cat high's speakers speak and make glaringly obvious contradictions in their examples and logical leaps, kinda made me feel this sudden urge to just speak.

BUT i guess this is where i have to say, it isnt about winning all the time.
it's about fairplay.

at least i did my part. yep!

porcelain.

2008-07-11T23:22:00.003+08:00

you know sometimes i think we all grow up to be shattered, shattered people.

we start our lives as innocent little devils who bring joy to everyone.
we grow into toddlers that just know how to play and laugh, and cry.

then we enter school, we enter mainstream society, and from the pure, glistening piece of porcelain, we just slowly become more and more fragmented, even shattered.

i think many people go through their entire lives with some degree of fragmentation. most of us at the end of our life find some sort of reparation, some people don't at all.

but maybe it's just a very negative paradigm. society with all its machinations, expectations, obligations, rules, laws, it all gets very suffocating sometimes.

i find it especially so when i have to face facades everyday. it seems facades are a mainstay of this very strange world of ours.
when i have to look a person in the eye, hear some pleasant utterance of some sort from his mouth, and yet know from the look in his eye, that he or she isn't genuine about it.

the entire idea of having to face facades is suffocating, sometimes you just want that whiff of fresh air, to have people saying what they really mean, and doing what they really want to do.

i am intransigent in this. i refuse to pretend.

people should want it, but they don't.

2008-07-03T00:09:00.005+08:00

maybe in a world like ours, honesty is ideal, but not necessary.
honesty is lofty, but not upheld.
honesty is a virtue, but hey.

would you rather hear something you're comfortable with, or something you're not?

i think most of us would pick the former.
that's when honesty just becomes that distant far off ideal, that's for others to pursue, that's when it escapes our grasp, and like a dead star, just stops shining, and we never, ever, get it back. it's lost forever.

how much of the people around me that i see, are just facades?
how much of what people see of me is just a facade?

how often do we say what we mean to say,
how often do we do what we mean to do?

sometimes i think facades help society to function, to get people to ignore, or rather not acknowledge some differences, which could ultimately elad to friction.

sometimes i think facades are worthless, totally inane social constructs that merely discombobulate.

then again, i have my facade, and people have theirs too.
would they really want to know what i think and feel?
would i really want to know what they think and feel?

honesty. rare.
the courage to be honest? even rarer.

The LONG Scientific Personality Test, from weijie.

2008-06-29T18:42:00.001+08:00

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test by ...

ENFP - The Champion
You scored 91% I to E, 42% N to S, 38% F to T, and 53% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

spectate, or live.

2008-06-29T00:08:00.003+08:00

spectators observe, as if existing outside the realm of happenstance and chance.

then again, nothing does really happen by chance.

maybe.

2008-06-28T13:34:00.000+08:00

maybe i should just watch, like a passive spectator, from the sidelines.

THANK YOU.

2008-06-27T23:21:00.003+08:00

BIG THANK YOU TO WEIJIE AND JESSICA!

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! :D THE SKIN IS SERIOUSLY AWESOME!

abt today!

yeah, today was uber tiring! 5 hours at climbasia, climbed 2 hours with foomz, then she had to leave for a class reunion, and about 3 hours with dong and pingy. showed dong all the bouldering routes, and we did take 5 with ping yi and his vj friend. so freaking tiring. just dropped by the third set!

oh take 5 is where one climber does 5 moves, the next climber repeats the exact same 5 moves, adds his own, drops, the third climber does the first two sets, the adds his own, and so on and so forth. it's too train endurance and to expose climbers to different styles of climbing.

and my plan to do static climbing failed, i still do dynamic moves unconsciously. sigh. BUT

we found out that the school engaged a coach for us. wife of one of climbasia's owners. really happy!

after that i stopped over at sji to chat and repair daniel's horn, then 2-3 hours of touch rugby and soccer with the sji guys. damn good catching up with them man! haha hwa xiong as usual was so damn vulgar. haha!

i'm damn tired, i think i'm gonna sleep like a log tonight.
night!

blackboard/whiteboard.

2008-06-27T00:29:00.002+08:00

somehow i find blasting nine inch nails over the speakers, turning off the lights and just staring at the ceiling very therapeutic.

how funny. i used to find blasting swing (think 'take the a train', 'in the mood') therapeutic.

anyway, starting homework spree tmr morning (and not looking forward to it).

then climbing in the afternoon. i'm gonna try extremely static climbing with no dynamic moves. move like water around rock yo.

alright, i'm gonna crash. night.

you'll find your perfect answer standing still
perfectly open to your scrutiny
in its perfect splendour
where and when you choose solitude and silence.

solitude.
silence.

like the winter solstice within.

breathe.

2008-06-23T22:24:00.001+08:00

i need to breathe, to get my dreams back on their way.
i need to ground myself, no more head in the clouds.
i need to travel my road, and i need to keep on it.

time to get back on track ian.
time to get back on track.

from bern's blog!

2008-06-21T22:53:00.002+08:00

1. Do you want to grow old with someone or be single?
grow old with someone!

2. what were you doing at 8:00 thismorning?
doing stuff for the con 2s at their camp.

3. what were you doing 30 minutes ago?
blogging.

4. what was something that happened toyou in 1992?
being pinched on the cheeks by relatives who have no sense of when enough is enough. i'll sue if i get saggy cheeks. :P

5. If you were stranded on an island with the person you hated and without food what would you do:
tell him he looks like porker.

6. When someone catches your eye, do you try to make eye contact or avoid it?
*winks* / give *wth is your problem you sad weird person* look / look away

7. what color is your hairbrush?
i don't comb. period.

8. what was the last thing you bought?
eh. some pastry from polar puffs and cakes.

9. how do you know when you are in love?
when you know someone will always be there for you! awww.

10.have you been to china?
yep! loved the trip! we actually posed in some pseudo-nazi manner beside a chinese tank while laughing like goons. OH YEAH, and this excellent idea came up: 'we should base out selling price on the cost price!' -.-

11. where do you keep your money?
in the waller and bank. and i think inside a few angpows.

12. have you traveled outside the country?
yep!

13.Do you wish you were back together with any of your exes?
eh, no.

14. do you like peanut butter?
not really.

15. What is your motto on love?
i'm taking this to mean the general one. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE LOVE!

16. The thing you love about relationships?
eh, i guess it's cool to have someone who makes you smile all the time.

17. The thing you love about being single?
THE FREEDOM!

18. Would you give up a dream for someone you loved?
maybe.

19. do you wanna cut your hair?
am shaving bald soon.

20. are you over the age of 25?
nope!

21. do you talk a lot?
yep. a lot of crap too. but definitely a lot of coherent stuff too!

22. do you watch The O.C.?
nope, too drama.

23. does your screen name have an “x”in it?
nope.

24. do you know anyone named Kelsey?
ehh weird question.

25. favorite ice cream?
green tea!

26. Could you date someone who has been only your friend for a long time?
depends!

27. are you typically a jealous person?
nope.

28. Is there such thing as a perfect relationship?
nah.

29. name a friend whose name starts with the letter “P”
paolo!

30. who’s the last person to call you?
russell.

31. last magazine you bought?
some guitar magazine i think. like last year.

32. do you chew on your straws?
i used to!

33. do you have curly hair?
YEP AND PROUD OF IT :D

34. can you dance like a chicken?
i can do the chicken dance.

36. last concert?
sjii rock concert.

37. what is something you say a lot?
whut.

38. favorite color?
BLUE!

39. do you know what a plectrum is for?
yes. chim term for guitar pick.

40. do you have to work tomorrow?
nope!

41. who was the last person you said I love you to?
someone important to me!

42. what should you be doing right now?
sleeping.

43. do you have a nickname?
have a few.

44.Are you a heavy sleeper?
VERY. in fact i have a sleep disorder.

45. do you watch tv?
hardly, except watching the occasional chinese drama with my grandma haha.

46. is there anyone you like right now?
oh. tough one! maybe! haha

all i see is blue in my heart.

2008-06-21T22:14:00.002+08:00

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.5. Put this on your journal.

1. If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
When You Wish Upon A Star - Jason Becker ( wth?)

2.How would you describe yourself?
What I'd Say - Ray Charles! (funkaye!)

3.What do you like in a girl/guy?
Quasimodo - Lifehouse (damn meaningful song, but i don't see how this relates la!)

4.How do you feel today?
Copacabana - Barry Manilow (yeah right. i spent half my day sleeping after church camp, which was DAMN GOOD btw!)

5.What is your life’s purpose?
Nobody's Listening (aiya untrue la, so many people have to listen to my crap.)

6.What is your motto?
Remember the Good Times (Retro Garage Mix) - The Scorpions

We were twisting Chubby Checker styleIn a roaring sixties summer night
We walked the moon and we were free
When Jimi played guitar

do i even remotely look i can dance CHUBBY CHECKER style? bloody hell.

7. What do your friends think of you?
P.L.U.C.K - System of a Down (i'm beginning to think this quiz is inane. >:( )

8. What do you think of your parents?
Stand By Me - Ben E. King
so off la, like i'll call my parents darlings.

9.What do you think about very often?
Headshrinker - Oasis

like half of this song is a guitar solo, which i really do think quite a bit abt! YAY! finally something accurate.

10.What is 2 + 2?
Yellow Ledbetter - PEARL JAM!!
one of my fav bands! but this doesn't make sense yet again.

11.What do you think of your best friend?
D'Yer Mak'er - Led Zeppelin
funkaye! of course my best friend is funky! haha

12.What do you think of the person you like?
Beauty and the Beast - Tokyo Kosei Wind Orchestra
OMG! well of course i'm the beauty! :P

13.What is your life story?
We Come Out At Night - Avenged Sevenfold
life story of a nocturnal!

14.What do you want to be when you grow up?
Run On - Moby

so incoherent.

15.What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Choose the One Who Loves You Most - Copeland
ahhhhhh. at least this one soudns coherent!

16.What will you dance to at your wedding?
Was It A Dream - 30 Seconds to Mars
not a good start to marriage man! so depressing!

17.What will they play at your funeral?
You Only Live Once - The Strokes
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

18.What is your hobby/interest?
Forever - Hillsongs
this is kinda meaningful! (:

19.What is your biggest fear?
Lost Without You - Delta Goodrem
how fitting! not.

20.What is your biggest secret?
Sign - Nobuo Uematsu
this instrumental sounds dark. *grins maniacally*

21.What do you think of your friends?
Down Home Town - Electric Light Orchestra

The world outside don't like us much,
'Cos they ain't got our classy touch,

aiyo. so snobbish!

22.What will you post this as?
Forever Love - X Japan

yeah the jap singer sings in some weird japanese form of english, nice tune, funny singing!

FOUREFFER LOUGH! FOUREFFER (d)RIM!

23.What song would you play during your first time having sex?
Lollipop - Mika

KINKY! hahahahaha.

live like you'll die, which really, you will.

2008-06-16T02:03:00.002+08:00

yoyoyo!

i was just reading rowland's blog, and i happened to see his quote by jk rowling which goes like this:

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so
cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you
fail by default.

well, i'd think a natural extension of that would be to live as if everyday were your last. to give your best effort everyday, would burn you out no doubt, but it's a pretty enthusiastic way of going about life eh? instead of rotting and lazing around (sound familiar much? :P).

totally think the phrase 'live like you'll never die' is so bloody stupid.

fools.

oh well, i love muse!
i'm random, night.

morning rush!

2008-06-14T07:50:00.004+08:00

woot. this morning has proved damn interesting! sampled nine inch nails, and i think i'm a new fan. trent reznor's made the latest album a free download as a statement against big corporations restricting creative freedom.

played a bit of wow, got fed up with being a level 12, after bringing him from darnassus to stormwind, and getting killed by stupid mobs countless times. on the other hand i cant stand playing my level 31 draenei pally, such a drag.

tried some yoga positions i saw over the internet, supposedly yoga's supposed to help with rock climbing, only reaosn i'm trying it, hahaha. i dont think i was doing it right, but i think i'm much too bulky to be graceful and all that jazz.

bringing nat low for climbing later, hopefully i've got one more climbing convert!

AND I REALISE YOU PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY ABOUT ROCK CLIMBING.

and you're probably right. :P
but yeah, i haven't found anything else that gives me the same determination and perspective of things to carry tasks out to term.
that was probably band in sji, but yeah, no band now. i guess i'ved moved on, speaking of which the lucky fellas are in kyushu now. bloody hell, i want jap food man!

yep, hopefully i can get subway after climbing, meet eugene, russell, and kelvin for campp stuff, and then i'll probably try getting some work done the rest of the day.

i'm kinda scared about camp!

anyway quiz time.

SEVEN PEOPLE YOU WANT TO DO THIS SURVEY:
just do it if you want to.

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. Ignorance
2. Supernatural stuff
3. Losing everything
4. Really loud thunder
5. The visceral rhythms of freaking cicadas in macritchie.
6. Deadlines
7. Darkness

8. the purple spots that appear on a healing wound.

SEVEN THINGS YOU LIKE THE MOST
1. Life
2. Friends
3. Pen and paper
4. Rock climbing
5. Music
6. Silence, solitude, solace (sleep applies)(centering prayer too: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centering_prayer)
7. Subway!

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM
1. Laptop
2. Handphone
3. Guitar
4. Mementos
5. Books
6. Albums
7. Wardrobe

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. I often picture myself in some rustic minimalist place, just writing and maybe, climbing.
2. I wiki almost everything
3. I sometimes act like a rock star in the shower
4. I dance really awfully and goofily
5. I tend to go into microsleeps often
6. I have really intense passions for stuff I do.
7. I'd rather a nice cozy get-together with close friends, then some loud, raucuous party.

SEVEN THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Serve in whatever God wants me to
2. Meet Someone
3. Publish a book, maybe even several.
4. Rock climb and travel all around the world.
5. Sing or play guitar at a non-school concert.
6. Get a six-pack
7. Give back to SJI

8. Run a full marathon

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. I can write.
2. I can think.
3. Come up with non-conventional ideas
4. Sass(suan) you ;)
5. Serenade someone with a guitar. HAHA
6. Cheer people up by suanning them
7. Meditate

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN’T DO
1. Stop being lazy
2. Stop being a bigtime procrastinator
3. Sing like Gabriel
4. Touch my nose with my tongue
5. Not being messy
6. Do drugs
7. Leave and forget everything like ascetics

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
1. Personality
2. Looks
3. Views
4. Charm
5. Athleticism
6. Talent
7. Fashion sense

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST
1. HAHA
2. Bloody hell.
3. Your stupidity knows no bounds.
4. Aiya.
5. Whut?
6. *GRUNTS*
7. Let me take a 5 minute nap

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES
1. Kate Beckinsale
2. Rachel McAdams
3. Liv Tyler
4. Lucy Liu
5. Natalie Portman
6. Ellen Page
7. Rachael Yamagata

eye candy, nothing more.

renaissance much?

2008-06-14T06:04:00.004+08:00

well, i was looking through deviantart, at ruben pang's art. awesome guitar custom painting! and his surrel stuff is stunning, wish i could understand it though.

stuff here: http://blewraincoat.deviantart.com/ awesome stuff!

sometimes when goes on in the artist's mind confounds me, how one can conjure up all the tones, colours, themes, lines, intensity, to paint an emotion or illustrate a response. really, its beyond me, because i am no artist. i'll stick to words and the like.

but i have tried! not art and drawing per se, coz i am hopeless with those, but stuff where i do not not need to sketch or paint in anyway.

i've got photography now, but once upon a time i used to dabble in photoshop, lets say when i was in sec 1? ill post some here. lousier stuff at http://genus.deviantart.com/

thats most of it. on the other hand ive got my own flickr now. no more gawking and going 'whoa.' at jinx's, jose's, and carmen's photostreams!

http://www.flickr.com/people/eizanendoso

and i think i caught my own stunner the other day! :DD

middleground

update!

2008-06-12T21:31:00.002+08:00

1st photo's subject: eskor. was playing around with 8 second exposure times.

2nd and 3rd: view outside my gramp's window. caught two different vehicles entering the driveway. yep!

take peek-ture!

2008-06-11T03:20:00.004+08:00

alright, i forgot to mention, i managed to get a nikon d40x from a very generous friend of my father's.

unfortunately, i still suck at dslrs. but at least i'm good with photoshop :D

first two show the sky before/after manipulation with photoshop. (no added effects or colours, just adjusted brightness/contrast, curves, and levels)

third one is of the altar light in my house.

dreary tuesday afternoon.

2008-06-10T15:24:00.002+08:00

right. just woke up at 2pm after having slept at 4m this morning.

beside my room window blogging. glare from the whitewash of the nearby blocks are irritating me. can see the cityscape in the distance.

it seems kinda surreal today, looking back on all that has happened in the past two months or so.

physically, it's been a looooooooong way! but yeah, no time to stop now. i set myself the target of doing 6c climbs by the end of the term, and i was one level short, got up to 6b+. now it's 7b+ by the end of next term. would be cool if i can be 8a by end of the year :DD

academic wise, i think i pretty much got what i wanted except in bio. bloody 4.
bloody hell!

yeah. i'm content, and it seems this isn't my first blog post on this blog where i'm saying i'm content. i can remember there was one point in time in sji where i was trying to find out who i was, what i stand for, and striving for so many things at the same time.

all that's in the past now, and i think that's why i'm so easily content nowadays.
i still want a lot of things, but i'm just as content not having them.

yeah, past two weeks. absolutely surreal, so many things have been happening, and my mind as usual has just been a flurry of activity just before i go to sleep. takes about two hours just to go to sleep. doesn't help that reading kafka, siddharta, and the outsider sort of sparked off my imagination and all these random thoughts and snippets just appear spontaneously, and then i find myself with no pen to write it down just before i sleep. on the other hand im too lazy to get up to get pen and paper. so weird. only a few such snippets appear on this blog.

so dear readers that is why you see so many seemingly incoherent, and random little thingies appearing on my blog (*glares at mary and foomz*)(*amongst others*). but they all have meaning i guess, and yes you can interpret it anyway you want to. i think writing is only truly successful when people develop their own interpretations of what you write.

yep. another marginally normal blog post blogged. mary you should be proud of me man! silly dc-ed chinchilla!

kafkaesque.

2008-06-09T01:46:00.000+08:00

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Mahatma Gandhi

Y.A.M.

2008-06-08T23:12:00.001+08:00

damn.

today i missed the sunrise/sunset again.

imagine: if the sun were some iridescent iris that peered into your soul, as you watched it retreating into the horizon.

mandatory update

2008-06-07T23:26:00.003+08:00

okay mary! this is my attempt to update more frequently!

i think over the course of the past two - three months, i've developed a real love for subway! not only do i get to eat my fill! but its a healthy fill! muaha, three cheers to a healthier lifestyle!

okay after sounding like a real health junkie, i have to say subway costs a bomb. i'd only wish they were a tad bit more affordable.

anyway past week has been both relaxing and conducive. debate's still providing that intellectual stimulation! an finished reading the outsider and siddhartha. not really looking forward to the kafka short stories after i finished reading metamorphosis. ironic since i was most looking forward to reading kafka, but his way of delivering punchlines at the end of lengthy sentences is really something!

yeah. climbing's not been going so well. i think i'm better at sport climbing rather than bouldering, after bouldering more for the past two months or so. but technique's way better. just to need to develop that presence of mind when facing boulder problems that i seem to have lost since i started on more difficult routes.

anyway, im supposed to arrange with dong some SA and SJII meet-up thingy for rock climbing soon, that'd be really cool, haha.

other than that, life's good. i'm, well, content. well yeah, life does get a bit too busy, challenging, tiring and unfair sometimes, but yeah, i'm content!

OH. and i visited sjimb ytd, and listening to the band playing 76 trombones kinda brought back the nostalgia of being in a band. creating music together, that synchronicity and synergy, vibrancy. i could go on with a whole list of words, but really i mist being part of that whole that is the sjimb. was cool to catch up ytd with my batchmates. WE MUST GET A BATCH OUTING TOGETHER BEFORE THIS HOLS ARE OUT!

am listening to the plainsunset now. i think i should really start to support local music more! yeahhhh.

anyway lastly, today i was finally able to accord the past its rightful place; the past. no more threat of the past lingering or posing a chance to be dwelled on. so that's that. locked into place.

night!

HP: Idea.

2008-06-04T03:01:00.000+08:00

I open at the close,

I am the answer to your woes.

I will deliver you from your throes.

But who knows?

I might just bring you to new lows.

2008-06-02T01:01:00.008+08:00

Rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time: 1:08am
Name: Ian
Sisters: 0
Brothers: 0

Shoe size: 10
Height: 179
Where do you live: Singapore
Favourite drinks: ice lemon tea, honey water, milo, horlicks, tea with sugar, bubble tea, malibu, long island iced tea, MOCHA FRAPPE!
Favourite breakfast: bar chor mee
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes. I love plane trips!
Swam in the ocean: yep!
Fallen asleep at school: too many times to count. i tend to go into microsleeps a lot as carmen will know.
Broken someone’s heart: don't think so!
Fell off your chair: yes. embarrassingly. and no it had nothing to do with my weight you buggers.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: yes.
Saved e-mails: yes.

What is your room like: 1 bed, 1 desktop, 1 laptop, guitars, two desks, a whole mess of books, papers, bags, mementos, and stuff. tv, dvd player, oh yeah and stored away gaming stuff! my room is serene, peaceful, and is BLUE.
What’s right beside you: handphone, laptop, pillows!, tissue box, siddhartha, journal
What is the last thing you ate: strawberry yoghurt.
Ever had chicken pox: nope. sadly.
Sore throat: Yes.
Stitches: yep. on my knee, fell on the escalator as as a kid.
Broken nose: No.
Do you believe in love at first sight: nope.
Like picnics: not really. bloody troublesome.
Who was/were the last person/people you danced with: ms soh at a grad night dare! hahahaha
Last made you smile: mary, foomz and wong!
You last yelled at: i can't rmb.

Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: maybe.
Kissed anyone: no
Get sick: no
Miss someone: yes.
Eat: well, DUH.
Best feeling in the world: contentment.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals: no. 'course not. i've a mini bolster though!
What’s under your bed: nothing.
Who do you really hate: hypocrites.
What time is it now?: 1:17am

Random:
Is there a person who is on your mind now: yes. several persons actually.
Do you have any siblings: no. and am only child.
Do you want children: maybe. depends. might become a celibate bald monk or something.
Do you smile often: quite often, else i'd look scary.
Do you like your hand-writing: only when i put effort into it.
Are your toe nails painted: no.
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: none. i love my bed!
What color shirt are you wearing now: red.
What were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: going home on the mrt.
I can’t wait till: university.
When did you cry last: last year.
Are you a friendly person: Yep, most times. just don't catch me when i'm badly deprived of sleep.
Do you have any pets: Nope! i would really want a dog thought! even hermit crabs!
Where is the person you have feelings for right now?: Waiting to be discovered!
Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now?: Yep, as a friend.
Do you sleep with the TV on?: used to. but not anymore.
What are you doing right now?: doing this quiz thingy that's making me quizzical. i can't really remember when i last cried and what not.
Have you ever crawled through a window?: Yes.
Can you handle the truth?: always.
Are you too forgiving?: i think so.
Are you closer to your mother or father?: mother.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?: friends.
How many people can you say you’ve really loved?: many! i can't count! (:
Do you eat healthy?: yes, until some some spastic, flabby person made me pig out recently.
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?: yeah.
If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?: close friends. and the pen.
Are you loud or quiet most of the time?: pretty damn loud!
Are you confident?: Yep!

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. sporting a mega pot belly.
2. being the teacher's pet without realising it.
3. finding escape from problems in things i did.
4. being very angry.
5. wanting to get 100 in exams.

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Finish reading Siddhartha.
2. Sleep.
3. School, to debate and meet people! (annoying being cooped up at home)
4. Rock climb.
5. Settle some stuff.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Takopachi
2. Yakitori
3. cold cut fruits.
4. gummis!
5. instant noodles.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Travel to prime rock climbing places(such as ceuse, fountainbleu, and krabi again! and places i've always wanted to go to. (Japan! paris etc etc) and across europe! but at a decent backpackers hotel, and a shoestring budget
2. a library of the books i've always wanted.
3. A jamming studio, with a pimped up dark coloured gibson les paul with PAFs pups, marshall amplification, all the effects i want, ovation and martin 6-string acoustics, a 12 string acoustic, and recording quipment.
4. A nice, open air, spartan house with tatami mats, and lots of water features and plants!
5. donate the rest to charity.

5 of my bad habits:
1. Procrastination, and lazinesss
2. Promising too much, and setting out to do too much.
3. Being over-sensitive
4. Not being selfless enough.
5. Suanning too much.

5 places I have lived in:
1. Tampines St 81, Singapore
2. Pasir Ris Drive 4, Singapore
3. Serangoon Ave 3, Singapore,
4. Tampines St 71, Singapore
5. i've only lived in 4 places!

5 jobs I’ve had:
1. Cashier
and metaphorically, a whole list of other things.

5 people I tag:
everyone's done it already!
1. Wong (do it then i'll post it in my blog!)
2. Hansel
3. Dong
4. Jon Chen
5. FOOMZ! go get a blog flabby!

respite!

2008-06-01T23:40:00.002+08:00

yay! the holidays are here; when i do less with more sleep.

sleep, don't you love sleep? I DO! :D

okay, this hols are gonna be packed. argh. but at least i still get more sleep!

promise i'll post something more substantial, less vague, and less cryptic soon enough!

night!

him; man.

2008-05-29T23:38:00.002+08:00

man is both the slave and master of circumstance,
he is free to will it, but loath to accept its decisions.

man is the one to dictate his own fate,
yet he is but a pawn in the chessboard that is the larger scheme of things.

in the defining moment of his life,
man is the culmination of what he has been, what he is, and what he will be.

but what sets the course, what orientates man in the vast desert,
is ultimately what he wills himself to be.

and how he would ultimately not relent under circumstance's viccissitudes.
that is man's burden, but his gift.

he can be who he wants to be.

fleeting.

2008-05-27T23:31:00.004+08:00

Pathos; brevity.
You'd cry, you'd weep,
but then you laughed.

Sorrow; nonchalance.
You'd feel, you'd retreat,
but then you just let go.

fleeting; all too fleeting.
shooting star, nacreous trail;
like a flash of human existence.

brief, brief; all too brief.
fickle, fickle; all too fickle.

yet, one lives.
glory of a shooting star,
enormity of suffering,
edifying the human experience.

it seems father time will always be faster.

we'd live an age just to see our shooting star.
we'd take an age just to learn;
black and white;
red and green;
to decipher what life means.

in all brevity,
seize every passing moment;
gaze upon every star,
feel the entire breadth of colour.

you'd never know what the kaleidoscope comet holds for you.

Pave.

2008-05-22T22:06:00.004+08:00

hello.
i'm paving a road not oft-trod.
i'm paving a road not marble smooth.
i'm paving a road through sand and stone.

but, i pave the road i want to walk.

i pave the road, perhaps knowing i pave alone
i pave the road, perhaps knowing i walk alone.

but, the road i walk is not a lonesome one;
humans pave sidewalks for a reason.

i'm in a good mood. (:

2008-05-20T21:37:00.002+08:00

DAMN IT!

SO MUCH BLOODY WORK TO DO!
and i thought the friggin crunch ended with all the IAs handed in two weeks ago.

bahhhhhhh.

BUT, on the other hand, i felt like rejuvenated today!
tired, but rejuvenated.
least i didn't feel lethargic, which was weird coz for the entire first half of the day, i was so friggin lethargic.

oh well. the power of endorphins.

k. back to work. mundane, inane work.

1Co 13

2008-05-19T20:22:00.003+08:00

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

...

For now we see in a mirror, darkly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

---

Saw the start of this verse in passage to india; pretty meaningful verse.

night.

random.

2008-05-11T19:48:00.002+08:00

i hate it when meatballs drop out of the plate and onto the floor during dinner.

bounce. bounce. bounce.

then i have to clean up the oil, and the meatball is probably wasted.

why do meatballs have to bounce!

free association.

2008-05-08T23:20:00.003+08:00

did this before. freudian free association. need to organise my thoughts. right now its an entire whorl of questions. today's university talk did not help, and neither did my poor showing for my long d run. comp's in two weeks.

uncertain
stress
worry
human
clouded
confused
determined
ascend
descend
endure
push
overcome
occupied
ignite
imagination
saturation
dreams
hopes
expectations
future
time
26 hours
phone
pensive
past
reminisce
only constant is change.
train station
big monk & small monk.
yours
green monster
malignancy
comfort
priority
queen music
ignorance
more uncertainty
release
go with the flow
God
pillar of strength
shield
guide
wisdom

please, guide me through.

crap.

2008-05-02T01:33:00.002+08:00

shit, i think i've got a relapse of DSPS. (click.)

bother bother bother.

this hold must break.

2008-04-28T21:33:00.004+08:00

there's been a lot of things going on in my head.
the value of friendships, how to compete in both rock-climbing and debate, how to handle my time, how to juggle organising church camp with eugene as well.

but i think i've been really bothered lately about this entire perception and ideal i have about friendship.
i know i have my friends there with me, the ones that stand by you. the sort you can catch up with after a while and still be as close as ever. the sort you know will be there when you need him or her, and these friends; you don't choose them, they don't choose you either. it just happens. and that's the beauty of it i guess, that the most unexpected of people become your pillars of strength. i'm not gonna say names, because i'm not into public displays of friendship or whatever, but whoever you are, thank you.

that said; this is essentially what is bothering me: time and time again, i've proven to myself how i just be so naive and blind, time after time. i choose the friendships i invest in, the ones i commit to. and i can't say how many times i've been hurt, when i feel despondent, even if for a short while. those days when the sun seems duller, sunday afternoons seem drearier, and the world a whole lot grayer. and it's ironic how i realise that the best friends you would ever have are those that you don't choose, yet i still go ahead and give too much of myself.

i'd always like the entire idea of giving of yourself. not in that cliche, dirty way, but no seriously, in that way where for once i am not my own focus, but the focus is on others. to give of yourself i think is basically one of the best gifts mankind can give.

so i've been trying to reconcile why i sometimes give so much of myself, get hurt, even when i know what true friendships are. and of course there are always those that seem on the surface to have the hallmmarks of a great friendship but eventually total up to nothing. and what's worse is i become all scurrilous after going through an inital period of melancholy, and drawn out evenings and afternoons just by myself, reflecting on all that's going on.

and then there's friendships that go wrong because of differing expectations; and i think i have learnt something; you just have to hope for the serendipity that you stumble upon that other half that appreciates you for who you are, and tries to tolerate your fatal flaws, no matter how fatal they are. and don't ever make that mistake about not ebing clear about things. i think things that have been happening all around so far show how important communication is. like just talking your heart out, yeah sounds awkward coming from a guy, but yeah. i guess it's true.

i'm not an easy person to be close friends with, that i know, but i'm trying. i still need time. i think time is the best panacea.

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in... again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready? I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole... defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

THANK YOU!

2008-04-27T01:06:00.002+08:00

i know this post is probably like two days late! but thanks to everyone who amde my birthday such an awesome birthday! thanks for all the sms wishes, the handshakes in school, and the dan ryan's dinner! the company was awesome! really thank you guys! really didnt expect wishes from some friends i havent talked to in so long, but thank you guys nonetheless!

OH, JUNS AND ESKOR!
thank you for the very naughty present!!!! pity i wont be able to read it though :P

and NIKO AMANDA AND SARAH!

THANK YOU!!! you know what im talking about! hahaha

thanks guys(:
you guys rock!

a little more satisfaction!

2008-04-22T22:22:00.002+08:00

alright! game on! today was a fantastic day during climbing!

it started off like shit, because my hands felt as if they couldn't grip on to the rock and hold this really really heavy body of mine. just climbed anyway.

bouldered, then toproped.

and thats when it clicked in to place! i could finally do this route called the grinch! found this sweet spot on a rock feature, and with about three fingers had to pull myself up to the enxt rock. DAMN SATISFIED!

then i did it about two more times, and managed the third one without stopping. less than a minute yo!

oh man, i'm happy! but then i still have econs commentary to finish off. ta!

restraint.

2008-04-19T23:35:00.003+08:00

so! mary's asking me to update my blog!
i don't really have much to update (well, i do but it's particularly mean spirited so i'm not posting it)

so i'll blog about today!
today the sjii debators went up against anderson jc and yishun jc.

the team had real poor form during the anderson debate, thiru, jose and i. somehow all our nerves got to us. we lost this one to a team i thought we could have beaten. we need to be more consistent somehow.

the second debate we went in wanting to engage and to enjoy ourselves, and it was enjoyable, and a whole lot better. this one we won, and i managed to clinch best speaker so quite happy with this one! thought we did better as a team tooo, basically tore down a lot of their examples.

after that niko and carmen came over to my house (Which is near tpjc) to hang out, and we had this meat lover's pizza thingy from pizza hut! (YES DROOL MARY, AND WOBBLE THAT CHIN! :P) basically talked about school, laughed alot and bothered people who were online on msn. had a great time on a whole!

yeah, today was a good day! (: especially liked the second debate, and the hanging out afterwards! pity thiru and jose couldn't join us, and it's the second time already for jose. so yeah, would have been more fun if the entire team was over.

well, marc says the team has great potential considering we can match quite a few teams considering the inexperience of the four of us in debating. only jose has had secondary school experience, so we're thinking of clenaing up our act, upping our game, and hopefully to make some impact in the acjc invitationals. future's quite bright!

on the other hand, we have rock climbing! we've got a competitive team that's about 7 to 8 strong. hopefully we get a teacher supervisor soon enough, and we can start getting cas points. i think niko and i are gonna start the team on their training schedules next week. it isn't going to be that siong though. AND hopefully, the currently lazier ones like sarah, juns and mary will join soon! or maybe even berns who always says she wants to climb, but errrrr, doesn't climb! yeah two competitions coming up, rockmaster in may, and national schools in july. probably will be asking the team to join the novice category in rockmaster, but details about the national schools are sketchy because i don't even know if sjii is allowed to participate due to it being an international school. even for debate this is i think the first year that international schools ar ebeing invited.

so yeah, future's looking good!
and by the end of this post i have no reason to post anything mean-spirited at all.

all right, night!

turtles.

2008-04-17T19:04:00.002+08:00

today was a horrible day. decided not to go to school in the morning since i was feeling so horrible.

woke up around 12, cooked lunch, but had to leave for the doc's before i ate it.

the time between taking a queue number and getting my medicine was 5 hours, which is so ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

came home to eat what was previously my lunch.

hooray for today, bloody hell.

at last, breathe.

2008-04-15T23:24:00.002+08:00

i think today was the first day of the rest of my life.

go figure.

oddly i'm strangely and deliriously high-spirited now, and i'm guessing it's from all the endorphins. oh well. it's a real funny world this world of ours.

oh and i might get to watch the queen musical after all!

:DD

redpoint.

2008-04-15T00:15:00.003+08:00

another experimental, albeit short entry. from an idea that popped into my mind while running. note: redpoint is a bouldering term for attempting something at your peak capacity.

---

redpoint.
because every barrier to be overcome is a win for the taking.
and i'll run till the buses stop for the night.
and i'll run till i come home to you.

because every barrier to be overcome is territory to be conquered.
and i'll keep on going till the sun rises.
and i'll keep on going till i come home to you.

because every barrier to be overcome is a chance to be seized.
and i'll try till the eventuality.
and i'll try till i come home to you.

because every barrier is a marathon to be run, a battle to be won, an opportunity to be seized
but every barrier overcome brings me a little closer to home.

so tell me father time, when will i reach home.
the home of warm lights, cosy sit-downs, and where love will always be waiting come what may.

the slumbering dream.

2008-04-13T23:51:00.005+08:00

because i not longer have dreamless sleep, nor deep genuine slumbers.
i no longer retreat to that rampart of of peace and solitude, where i'm a tabula rasa, even if only for a night.

and to avoid further dramaticising my lack of sleep or quality sleep, i caught up with it today!
i had one long 4 hour nap from 3 to 7! i don't know if it still counts as a nap, BUT DAMN WAS IT GOOD! :D

night world! and sorry for the silliness, haha. :P

worn.

2008-04-09T19:23:00.002+08:00

okay, i am so unbelivably tired today.
i was a total mess during climbing, concentration and focus wasn't there.
kept putting my feet and hands at the wrong places.

i found out there's a bouldering competition next month, wondering if i should take part now or not, considering the small amount of preparation i've had. maybe it's more prudent to wait.

debate prelimnaries are on saturday. i pray i don't stumble.

anyway, i'm so tired. gonna finish debate stuff then go to sleep, been slepe deprived for the past three nights. that's why today wasn't good.

today i could feel the callouses, the aches, the stares of onlookers. i usually don't feel that. just tired. been feeling the strain of doing my routine every morning and night. really don't feel like doing it. on the other hand, it's been 8kg lost since beginning of the year, so no complaints!(:

gonna sleep early, then run tmr after debate.
night!

hail hail.

2008-04-06T11:58:00.002+08:00

FOUNDER'S DAY TMR!!!! :DD

you take the boy out of sji, but not sji out of the boy!

AND happy birthday to jose, chris, charissa, and weijee!(:

You Do Not Know.

2008-04-05T01:11:00.006+08:00

experimental entry.

---

No. You do not know. You do not know till you do. Therein lies the problem, you do not know until you do. And until then you have intuition, reasoning in all its forms; deduction, induction, and what-not. Until then, you do not know. And therein lies another problem. Not knowing. What to feel, what to expect, what to do, what to see, what to hear, what to ignore – you do not know.

Fear: bred from ignorance, uncertainty, and the void. Amplify: contemporaneous fear and anger. Amplify that, you know have a potent formula for when life decides to tip the balance of fairness, when life chooses to throw you into one of its vicissitudes, flailing, flailing, flailing, like the hopeless human you are, never meant to be thrown into a whirlpool. You’re left to flail like a dying insect, left to force out a scream that never leaves your mouth, left to fear, left to an abyss, to which you know not the depths of.

Doggedness: bred from the understanding that life will screw you one way or other. Amplify: simultaneous doggedness and intransigent belief. Amplify that, you know you shall not fall. When life chooses to throw you into another of its random acts of frivolity, of disaster – You do one thing and one thing alone. You climb out of the whirlpool, reaching out for anything to anchor on, holding onto a branch even if you felt if your limbs were lurching out of your very joints. You survive.

You do not know. That is the crux. (But therein lies your chance to practice your etude for survival; your song to uplift)

You take action, you pray you’re as lucky as the mercurial prince of thieves.

You think, you pray you think like Locke or Hume, like Socrates or Plato, you pray you have presence of mind.

You seek counsel, you pray the counsel you seek is wise whose faculty to empathise is clear, and unobstructed.

You feel, just like you're meant to. No one is meant to interfere with it.

There lies your denouement:

That maybe, you’ll know.
And in knowing, maybe, maybe, you’ll find peace.

obsessed.

2008-04-04T22:02:00.001+08:00

so this, is what i'm obsessing over! that's me at rock 17. i'm stuck at rock 28-29. freak.

occupied.

2008-04-02T21:36:00.002+08:00

weee, second consecutive day rock climbing!

foomz and junning came today, and i felt so paiseh when we do toprope climbing coz junning belayed and foomz had to anchor her =x

anyway i'm almost finishing this 30-rock route, just gotta finish the last part; rocks 28-30, and i'm done. completing it really gives me satisfaction! (:

anyway, i'm just ondering why i've been so motivated to climb, and i guess it's the escape and release climbing provides, at least i'm focussed on something, not mulling about like a sad sod, or just doing nothing on one of those sleepy evenings. at least i'm becoming mentally tougher, because i don't give up now. i keep trying a route until i progress. but yeah, i guess it's just the constructive venting of my frustrations that it provides. oh well, if there's any indicator of progress for a non rock-climber, i'm doing about 11 chin-ups now. yep.

anyway, pillowman tmr! gonna finish my revision then go sleep. looooooong day tmr. night!

meant to be broken

2008-03-31T22:48:00.002+08:00

when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

i just hope maybe i know what i'm doing. and that you'll take a step back one day and realise what i'm doing. and who i actually am.

easter retrospect.

2008-03-30T21:09:00.003+08:00

i am officially a fan of elbow!

bloody geniuses they are. here's another song(:

Elbow - Bones of You

So I'm there,
Charging around with a juganaut brow
Over draft speeches and deadlines to make
Cramming commitments like cats in a sack
Telephone burning, purposeful gait
When out of a doorway the tentacles stretch
Of a song that i know, and the world
Moves in slow - mo
Straight to my head like the first cigarette of the day
And its you, and its me, and we're sleeping through the day
And I'm five years ago and every thousand miles away...

You have turned
A man of my caliber stood in the street
Like a sleepwalking teenager i know
That I dealt with this years ago
I took a hammer to every momento
But image on image like beads on a rosary
Move through my head as the music takes hold
And the second it hits
I can work till i break
But i love the bones of you that i will never escape
And its you, and its me, and we're sleeping through the day
And I'm five years ago every thousand miles away...
And i can't move my arm, for the fear that you will wake
And I'm five years ago every thousand miles away...

And I'm five years ago every thousand miles away...
And I'm five years ago every thousand miles away...
And its you, and its me, and we're sleeping through the day
And I'm five years ago every thousand miles away...

anyway, today was pretty uneventful, afternoon was pretty soporific, other than for a few nagging concerns occuring here and there. finishing chinese project now. jose's blog is a godsave, i'm pretty much recalling what happened on what day in krabi through jose's blog. gonna run later after this. running's my release i guess. the concentration on form, and the endorphins released, nothing better to ease the mind. other than rock climbing of course!

i think i'm getting my discipline back. managed to allocate work to each day, and complete it on the day allocated. and when i wake up, it's a routine of pushups, crunches, and chin ups. i think my chin up place in my house is excellent! been doing it on the door frame of my mom's toilet. my grip on the frame is such that if i don't have proper form for the chin up i start swinging and have to drop. so good stuff! yeah do the same routine before i sleep too. im at about 7-9 chinups a go now.

anyway taught my class during catechism this morning, and again i have to say today was really a miracle. somehow the class i think has started actually thinking about their faith, and hopefull strengthening it. the discussion in class today probably didn't have everyone participating, but at least everyone looked interested, really proud of those who did contribute, even if they gave some nonsense stuff sometimes. i guess i've been jolted back into why i joined the ministry in the first place. to share my faith with someone else, and hopefully strengthen it at the same time.

yesterday's run was fun! haha met everyone, met with the pipers, had breakfast at airport, then went to funorama with foomz, zhenhe, jingqing, and eventually met ernest, bernadette, mary, jinx, brandon koh, junning, sa and her friend mari, and... wong, stickman, and zach! haha was damn happy to see them again and joke like old times. okay not really old, but last year. saw sooooooo many people! tushar(omg tushar has a DAMN hot angmoh girlfriend!), wayne, timchua, jesslyn, jared koh, ernest wong, dwayne from brainiest kid!, deyong, huy, quang, marcus lye and a few others. yeah, yesterday was quite fun. lame fun thought, haha, carnival games are always lame. yeah yesterday was worth it. meeting up with old friends, even those from primary school!, and having a blast of a time with the sjii people. everyone left sooner or later, then zhens and i hitched a ride from mary. then i cabbed home from sixth avenue. big mistake, now i'm somewhat poorer for the week. was worth it though, was so tired i slept the entire trip home.

anyway, back to school. list of things to accomplish for the term!

1. at least a 6 in every subject
2. finish everything in advance
3. revise every alternate day
4. manage time better
5. play and sing 5 more songs on the guitar
6. twenty chin-ups by term's end
7. hit 6c in rock climbing by the end of the term
8. have rock climbing, running or weight training every other day except sunday
9. lasallian peer mentor's programme takes off
10. four pack abs! :P

got my work cut out for me for the term.

alright. back to chinese. then running later!
night(:

2008-03-29T00:40:00.002+08:00

i am damn annoyed right now. i walk into my room to sleep and i find a freaking huge ass fly flying around my room, flying into the walls, near my bed, almost into my hair (i still think curly hair rocks) becoming handicapped, buzzing around on my floor like a top.

not my room windows are open, aircon is off, and i gotta wait for the room to ventilate after trying to kill the fly with ridsect. it's still buzzing a bit now. annoying thing went under my amplifier, then my guitar case, now my printer. bloody annoying.

just went underneath my bed, refuses to die.

i'm going to throw it out of the window now. bloody hell.

my room still smells of insecticide. bahhhhh. night.